EvilPT

The Dreamers

*Updated*

I don’t ever really update my blog, mostly because I have nothing to really post about.  This however I thought was important.  My Father surprised me the other day when he emailed me a poem he wrote about improvisers.  I was actually taken aback by what he wrote.  Remember, my Father has only ever seen a handful of improv shows, but I suppose from the countless hours I’ve explained to him the mind of an improvisor or comedian in general, this is his interpretation of what we all do.  

The Dreamers

By Ron Scarborough

They’re men and women who dream.

They’re more magic than real.

They’re more than they seem.

They’re what they can feel.

Days for thinking, days for pretend.

Nights playing out a role.

Days of effort just to defend

The character in their soul.

They will not bend to the rules of the game,

And they will not follow your lead.

No two days are they ever the same, 

And their lives may not suit your need.

Accept them now for what you see, 

And do not challenge their dreams.

Their lives are always what they can be, 

And nothings as real as it seems.

Their love is always to be on the stage, 

To play the roles in their mind.

They only wish to be of an age

When people will nurture their kind.

So book your passage to a dreamer’s star. 

Enjoy the world they can give you.

And never try to change what they are.

For hearts will break if you do.

Answering Questions with PT: Thirty-Nine

Orange: If you talked in your sleep, what would you say?

I think everyone talks in their sleep.  If you don’t have a nightmare and scream out “Sour cream!” then you’re not human.  If I used my imagination, then I suppose I would say, “Get back in the Delorean!”.

Ohhh shit.  I think my audience is tired with my Back To The Future jokes.  FU, *ahem*, I mean, oh dear, I’ll try to be more witty.  Come on people, it’s either constant references to BTTF or nerdy bull like Star Wars.  Not that I’m not a fan of SW, I just wish Luke Skywalker and Marty McFly could hang out!  Imagine the conversation:

Episode 4:  Tatooine

A blast of blue and white light comes out of nowhere as the Delorean comes to a halt right next to Luke’s weirdo Iraqi homestead.

Marty: Luke, I’ve come into the future to warn you about your destiny!

Luke: What?  Sir, I have to go look at some new junk droids that these midgets are selling on the black market with my Uncle.

Marty: There’s no time for that!  I have to tell you about your Father!

Luke: My father?  What about him?

Marty: Your father’s still alive!

Luke: What the fuck?!

Marty: … Wait, where’s Obi Wan?

Luke: (Starts crying)  Who???

Marty: The old man, who teaches you the ways of the…

Luke: Uncle!

Marty: Shhhh!

Luke: I’m gonna tell!

Marty: Man, this was the wrong time to come to.  How did I get to this Galaxy again?

Uncle: What’s the meaning of this?!  You’re with the Empire aren’t you?!

Marty: NO!  I’m just here to tell Luke that his Father is-

(BAM!!) A club to the skull.

Luke: Thanks Uncle.  What is that ship like thing that he came in?

Uncle: I don’t know.  Looks like an airplane, without it’s wings…

EXT: Marty gets back up!  He jumps back into the Delorean and runs off the land!

Luke: Shoot it Uncle, shoot it!

EXT: Marty runs over some sand dunes!  Luke’s Uncle takes out a double barrel shotgun!  BAM! BAM!  He misses.

Uncle: My dunes you!  You killed my dunes!

What was the question again?

Purple: What animal comes to your mind when you think of the safari?

The fighting kind!

Blue: What is the most dangerous occupation?

Being a baker in NYC.

Yellow: What is the first thing you do when you get out of bed?

Give a $1 to charity.

Sorry, no.  I poo.

Answering Questions with PT: Thirty-Eight

Orange: If you went to the electronics store right now with $1,000, what would you buy?

That depends ol’ bloggy blog.  If I went to Best Buy, I would buy an iPod Touch.  The complete series of Seinfeld, the complete series of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, basically every DVD I’ve ever wanted.

If I went to hhgregg, THIS FUCKING THING

Wholly god!  Is this the new gun that Robocop will hold in the upcoming remake?!  No.  Is this an express coffee maker that shoots the liquid into your mouth?  You wish citizen.  In fact, this is an all purpose, all floor vacuum!  Look at this gladiator!  Dirt Devil my ass, General Electronic?  More like Private Do-Hidgy.  This is by far the coolest thing I saw last Christmas.  I wanted to buy it so bad for my Dad, but, well, for a hand held vacuum it’s pricey.  Shit man, who cares though, a thousand bucks, I’d buy four and film a short of me and my friends reenacting scenes from the Halo trilogy.

If I went to Radio Shack?

Not a god damned thing.

Purple: Of the people you know, who do you think snores the loudest?

That’s a good one.  People I know?  I’m going to have to say Harrison Brookie.  Mostly cause his profile pic is hilarious and because he never goes to trivia with his beloved Harold team.

He’ll pay.

Blue: What is the greatest conflict between the genders?

Roast beef.

Yellow: What would it take for you to trust someone you just met?

A girl?  Yes, I could go totally blue here, and I know you want me to, but come on people, let’s take this seriously.

Either sex?  A sense of humor.  Man, a sense of humor will let you pass my SAT scores any day.  Just don’t try too hard, just be yourself and I’m sure we’ll flow.  If you try to be funny, I can tell.  No sweat man, you know how unfunny I am at funerals?

About as funny as that last question.

BOOM!

Answering Questions with PT: Thirty-Seven

Orange: If you were to treat yourself to the “finer things” in life, what would you treat yourself to?

In Carrboro?  That’s what I’m going to assume.  If I lived in NYC (one day) or any awesome city then shit man, the list could go on and on.  So finer things in Carrboro/Chapel/Durham area?

Go to Outback Steakhouse and eat nothing but a Bloomin’ Onion.

Go to Southpoint and buy the most expensive clothes.

Rent a car at the airport and drive to Wilmington and back in it.

Buy as many comics as I want and stay at the Franklin Hotel and throw a kiss ass party (in that order).

Buy expensive chocolates and throw them at birds.

Get my picture taken with the Mayor.

Go to Franklin st and rent a taxi to take me to Carr Mill Mall.

See a movie?

I don’t know what the deff of “finer things” means to you, but I assume it means I have lots of money.

Purple: What do Martians do for fun on Mars?

I’d assume it has to do with figuring out how to help Doug Quaid make air on the planet.  That or bowling.

Blue: What word best describes the outfit you are wearing right now?

• Some mechanical or cosmetic defects and needs servicing but is still in reasonable running condition.
• Clean title history, the paint, body and/or interior need work performed by a professional.
• Tires may need to be replaced.
• There may be some repairable rust damage.

Yellow: What body part do you usually neglect to wash in the shower.

My wenis.

Answering Questions with PT: Thirty-Six

Ladies and gentlemen, after four months, I have returned.  China was amazing, if you’ve never been, then I suggest you go.  Not because that’s where I’ve been for the past four months, just because them google images look AMAZING!

Seriously, I just got side-tracked with life as usual, buy damn I love how tumblr. hasn’t deleted my blog or anything, everything is still intact!  Thank you democrazy.

Enough with the sour kisses and golden showers, here we go!

Orange: If the President asked you personally to solve a national emergency, what might he call on you to solve?

Most likely the Republican problem, OH!  Emergency eh, well I think one thing we really need to resolve is the health care thing.  I mean, it is a moral thing, not a money thing.  Even though right now it is a money thing and right wingers have no morals so we’re stuck here for a moment.  I don’t have health care which sucks and which is scary to think about when I’m not smoking or drinking.  Obama doesn’t really need PT or anyone else to help him with this, he just needs to be the blackest bad ass there is and storm into his oval office and yell, “This shit is going to be universal and get me Jamie Foxx on the phone about my movie biopic!”

If he literally left it up to EvilPT to solve I would use taxes to buy all the NyQuil in the world and filter it into the water supply of every county, town, state, city.  NyQuil cures all.

Purple: What irritates you the most in a social situation?

Someone who thinks their funny and laughs at their own jokes while you just stand there nodding and smiling.  OR, and seriously this just happened tonight:

I was at the Armadillo Grill simply eating chips and cheese and a bean taco.  Nice dinner with the INDY paper.  I get up to go to the bathroom and walk downstairs.  I over hear the blond girl behind the counter saying, “I’m going on break”.  I drizzle my nozzle and wash my hands (I DID) and walk back up stairs.  My fucking food is gone.  I look around like it moved, but NOTHING.  I walk over to the bar keep and ask, “Where’s my food?”  He looks over down the counter and DUM DUM DUM, there’s the blond on her “fifteen” smoking a cigarette.  She looks at me with a dead stare.  I look at her like a lion who lost his lamb.  She says, “Oh no, I didn’t see anyone sitting there so I assumed it was done.”

Hu-what?!  Not only was an ash-tray lying on the table with a full cup of coke and an INDY paper, who assumes that shit?!  And fuck you bar keep for not noticing that I just got for a second.  Am I wrong people?  Who the fuck throws away half eaten food, HALF eaten WARM food.  Lastly who does that shit on their break?!  The purpose of having a break is to break away from your resp of work!

wanker.

Blue: What compact disc or tape do you wish was not in your collection?

Creed.

Yellow: Who will you probably not receive a phone call from this weekend?

Laura Hymen.

…

We had an argument about what is funny.

Answering Questions with PT: Thirty-Five

Orange: If you could change one thing about airlines to make your flights more enjoyable, what it be?

Well, I am a smoker.  So dur, I would love to be able to smoke cigs on a plane.  You could back in the day, which actually made the air better on an airliner for all passengers.  PT, shut the fuck up you say, but no, it’s true.  I’d google it for you, or tell you to take a sociology class for the proof.  Do it yourself lazy beans.

In the hay day of major international flight, airliners had air filters on ALL planes to filter out the smoke from noir like detectives and Batman villians and suck the clean air from the outside into the smelly cabin to give non smokers fresh, non smelly air!  Gasp, shock!  Oh man, everyone seems happy right?

Fuckers.

Nowadays, thanks to airlines cutting back on EVERYTHING from water to happy endings (landing safely) and thanks to assholes (you) who don’t smoke and don’t like smokers, all airlines now are smoke free.  Thanks, not only do you make someone like me who hates flying, not able to relax with a cig, you fucked yourselves as well!

Fuckers.

No we haven’t you say?  Hey asshole, you been on a plane lately for more than 4 hours?  You kinda get a headache when you get off or while you’re on the plane?  Ever get sick because some douche kid is coughing in the seat in front of you and you fucking wonder why?!  It’s because the GD air is being recyled over and over and over and over and over again.  You know who has it sweet?  The pilot, cause they all carry guns now and can shoot themselves when they can’t breathe fresh air.

Fuckers.

Purple: How would a dick(hehe)tionary define the person on your right?

An alcoholic liquor distilled from a fermented mash of grain, as barley, rye, or corn, and usually containing from 43 to 50 percent alcohol.

OHHH, person.  Sorry.

Blue: What song reminds you most of the disco era?

This.

Yellow: What do you regard as the most repulsive form of music?

This.

Answering Questions with PT: Thirty-Four

Hello dear evil citizens of the world.  It has been a good while since I have talked and or shared my thoughts of LOADED QUESTIONS with you.  Here goes nothing you!

Orange: If there is life on Mars, what celebrity might resemble the Martians?

The obvious answer is Oprah.  Sorry Ma, I know you love her like you love air or the hump back whale, but jeezus christ, come on!  This woman lives in a world that is made of sugar and dietary coco puffs.  Oprah has done for African American Women as Hally Barry did for winning an Oscar for a movie in which her husband gets the chair and she ends up fucking the redneck sheriff (Billy Bob Thorton) who executed him and….huh, yeah, BULLSHIT.  If Oprah were the Hal Jordan (Green Lantern for you stupids) than the rest of the Green Lantern Corps of the Galaxy would have tagged team the fuck outta you just to see how much green powered jizz your face could hold.  What was the question?

Purple: What is your biggest frustration with the government?

Gay Marriage.  I’m no stick figure sucker, but I know at least one who is.  I won’t say his name, but for a guy who says he gets laid less now after losing 70 pounds than when he weighed more than 180 just makes me want to punch his dick through his skull!  Come on U.S.A. lets get this shit together, if two hot lesbians who love using cocaine to go at it for six hours and then think about making it serious so they can buy a house and split the pay of everything…well who the fuck is the land in which we live to say what you can or can’t do.

Blue: What would you list as the two biggest tourist attractions in NYC?

Ground Zero: Don’t bother bringing a camera, they’re ain’t fucking shit to see.  Thanks asshole who won’t rebuild a god damned thing.

Man Pooping in Fountain: Any fountain.

Yellow: What would you do if you wanted to annoy someone?

I would create “PT Scarborough Is A Chocolate Factory”.   It would be ten times better than Willy Wonka’s.  So after I’ve murdered four out of five children, I would annoy the parents by sending them golden tickets every single day with the text on the card saying:

“Whoops!  Can we try again?”

Answering Questions with PT: Thirty-Three

HA!  Thought I was gone did you?  You poor sucker.  I fooled you good.  Me, FTW.

Naranjo: If you found a $50 bill on the street and had to spend it immediately, what would you buy?

Immediatley?!  Like, in twenty minutes?!  Oh shit, um, um, I’m looking around.  Okay, okay, let’s say I’m at the mall.  In that case, perhaps a movie and a lunch at the food court with some ice cream as the topper.

Shit, okay, let’s say my car is getting new tires at the garage.  Yes, I could spend the money on something for the car, but GD man, look at that sweet candy dispenser and soda dispenser!  I’m gonna go for the soda and candy for all it’s worth, like a twenty dollar whore who thinks she’s worth fifty!

Damn it, it’s my friends birthday today and I’m at PetSmart and I only have twenty minutes with $50!  Okay, in that case, I’ll get him a Gecko and hope to God he/she takes care of it and doesn’t forget to feed it.

*sniff*

Morado: When you retire, how will you spend all the money you’ve invested?

HAHAHAHA.  Oh, I’m sorry, I was listening to something on NPR that was hilarious.  I wasn’t thinking about money I’ve invested, cause that’s ridiculous to think that I wouldn’t invest in my future.  Well, hrm, let me think, DELOREAN.

Azul: What is the most annoying show on TV?

Masterbation Island:  All Dudes Season 1.

NOT GOOD AT ALL.

Amarillo: What is your most common ailment?

I have a fear of beef, because the last three times I ate it, I broke out into hives.  Hives don’t hurt, but damnit, four hours of itching is not worth a double whopper.

That, and dust.  If I don’t wash my bed sheets once a month, I sneeze for like two nights while trying to sleep.

Ghosts.  Did I mention ghosts?

Answering Questions with PT: Thirty-Two

Aurantiacus: If you could live during a specific time in American History, when would you choose?

NOW!  Ha ha, just kidding.  A black President is awesome, don’t get me wrong.  Obama mania has won the nation and the hearts of white people who had nothing better to do than to promote him for the past year.  In my opinion, since we’re talking about Delorean’s time travel here, I would say WWII under Roosevelt himself.  To live in that time, under the fear of knowing that one day, America and everything it is, could be gone by Hitler.  The fear that Americans had back then, shit, compared to this recession, well, honestly, we’re all pussy’s cats.

Porphyreus: Name one celebrity that has no right being a celebrity.

ONE?!  Are you for cereal?  Of all super-tramps?  Tom Cruise for sure.  I still don’t think that people realize that Tommy is apart of the same religion that Charles Manson was apart of.  Google that shit my friend.

Subcaerulus: What is your favorite greasy appetizer?

Egg rolls!  “Peanut butter jelly time!”

Flavus:  Knowing what you know now, what one thing would you change about your high-school career?

Being a part of the S.F.A.A. (Students For Abducting Abortions.)  What was I thinking?!

Answering Questions with PT: Thirty-One

Orange: If you were sitting at a round table of 3 famous people, past or present, who would be joining you?

1: Del Close. Why? Del could give me advice on what I’m doing right and what I’m doing badly in improv.  Of course he would always say that improv is always changing with the culture, but still, he could give me some good insight.  Also I could vent on him about the things I see and he would slap my face and tell me that’s life.  Don’t we all need that?

2: C.D. Payne.  Why? Not only is he my favorite author of Youth In Revolt, but he is the writer I want to become.  Serious, dramatic and funny, funny, funny!

3: The BBC’s Two Fat Ladies.  Oh how I want them at my next b-day.  *SIGH*.

Purple: What is the most physically painful thing that has ever happened to you?

Twisting my knee about every 4 months.  Think of almost breaking your shin, then not, but you can’t bend your leg for 2 weeks.  Sucka!

Blue: What is your favorite city that you’ve traveled to?

NYC.

Yellow: What profession have you always admired?

Dr. Seuss.