EvilPT Reviews: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
So time and time again we see movies from our childhood (or adult hood, you old fucker) that have been made into, A) Remake, B) prequel or C) Sequel. So you may ask, “PT, you seem like a nerd, but a hot nerd (ah thank you). What did you think of the new Indy movie? Well my friends it has been a while, but here is my first review within about a year. Miss me?
Harrison Ford (Indiana Jones):
Harry had no trouble recapturing the role that he was born to play. Okay, Han Solo was also a good role he was born to play, but since the two are so alike; I guess that makes Harry a brilliant actor (sarcasm). I’ll get into the story and script later, but Ford is the reason to see this movie. As a friend of mine said when I told him I was apprehensive about seeing the new Indy, he said, “Fuck it dude, it’s Indiana Jones !”. Ah, so true.
Ford Worth = $2.00
Shia LaBeouf (Mutt Williams)
Wow, what a horrible character name. Wow, this guy will make a lot of money; go out of style and fuck a lot of hotties by Transformers 3 ( Coming out in 2012). Are any of you already tired of this Even Stevens dude? Also, from what I’ve heard, who wants to see this guy as the new Henry Jones III for Indy 5? Fuck George Lucas, he made billions off of Star Wars and spin offs, but introducing this character was unwanted. Thanks George, when the trailer for Indy 5 comes out and it’s entitled, “Mutt Jones and the Cavern of Lost Souls”, I’m never going to see it.
Shia Worth = $.50
Cate Blanchett ( Irina Spalko: bad guy)
So I love this gal, she’s a AILF (figure it out), but I can’t help to think that she spent only a month on her ascent. Either that, or again, Lucas ol’ boy asked her,
“Catie, you’re awesome. We’re shooting in two days, you’ve read the script right? Good! Can you do the Russian thang? No, no. No need to know the history of your character, it’ll be taken care of with CGI. CGI why? Well Steven’s a great director, but I’m effing lazy and we’re paying you a quarter of what the movie costs, sooooo, you cool?”
All together, a great actress, shitty play through, but the world series was won by the Red Sox (Blanchett being the Yankees).
Hottie Worth = $1.00
Ray Winstone (Mac McHale)
Remember that greedy mother fucker from the first Mummy movie? I forget him too, but he’s the guy who follows Brenden Fraser to the tomb of the mummy and only wants gold and eventually dies because he’s stupid. Yes, the great actor Winstone plays the same character. But I loved BEOWULF!
Beowulf = $.50
John Hurt (Prof. Oxley)
Wanna know what it’s like to spend ten plus million dollars on a academy award winning actor of classic movies and only give him twenty lines? Well then, you’re George Lucas. Sorry Johnny, you should have waited for something better that Lucas couldn’t touch, like, “V For Vendetta 2: This Time It’s America”.
Hurt Worth = $1.00
Karen Allen (Marian Ravenwood)
Karen Allen, although she’s been mostly a Mom and stage actress for this past decade doesn’t mean she wasn’t great in this movie. Mrs. Allen didn’t miss a mark as her old character.
MILF worth = $1.00
So, it’s the fifties now with Indy, and rightfully so. You don’t want to put Indy (who is Harrison, who is now in his late sixties) into a Nazi era 1948 story. That would be dumb, more so, it would be dumbers. The story is good, but leaves no mystery to the audience. We already know what the crystal skull is! George Lucas completely copied the ending to this movie from the X-Files movie. SPOILER?! Fuck you. I didn’t give shit away, I’m evil! “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” is a great blockbuster movie, and still an excellent ride. You shouldn’t think going into it that Spielberg and Lucas were going to try to make it has good as RAIDERS. They could have, I really believe they could have, but in this day and age, when CGI and green screening are at your every whim, you lose something. You lose the original idea, you lose what made it special, you lose creativity.
Total Ticket Price: $6.00 (see a matinee)
